When Im Feeling Blue

I dont normally post things about my personal life on my blog and when I do I usually erase them - but my blog is an extension of me and quite frankly I dont care who reads this post.

There is something bugging me 24/7 at the moment - something I cant shake.

My parents have chosen to not come and see their grand children on Boxing Day. Mike and I invited them and were preparing to put on a lovely meal of cold meats and salads and antipasto platters when my mother rings and informs me that her and my dad wont be coming. The reason given was weak at best - oh we dont feel that we will have enough time to see you before hand and it will be tense. I was shattered. Absolutely shattered.

Now I know that things haven't been so crash hot lately. It particularly turned bad when my sister decided I was too fat to be a bridesmaid in her wedding last year. My relationship with my sister has never been good and if she never comes through my front door again it will be too soon. But where it went bad with my parents is that they let my sister treat me the way she did and said nothing. They would always have held me to a higher standard yet they allowed her to treat me the way she did and said or did nothing to stop it. There was never a question that 8 years ago when I got married that I would have her as a bridesmaid. She was family. And that's what you do with family. Involve them. never mind the fact she was plastered off her brain and my maid of honour had to take her outside and give her a talking to, never mind that she insisted she have her dero drug addled boyfriend in the official portraits and never mind that she ended up crying her eyes out on the 18th hole of the golf course at midnight paralytic making an ass of herself. I had to have her. That was the inference from my parents.

Then when the wedding rolled around I may as well not even have been there as noone from my family took the time to speak to me. I had family in from the UK so I know that my mum felt it a better course of action to ignore me and hope I went away rather than face up to the issue and be embarrassed in front of her family. What a shame they would have seen we were not perfect....

Since then things have gone down hill with the relationship between my parents and my sister getting stronger and mine weaker. Its like they cant like both of us at once because not 2 years ago they were slagging off my sister and her now husband to my face. I had my mum in tears on the phone one day crying about how my sister had ruined the house of hers they were renting and she was going to have them evicted etc. Of course nothing came of that because my mum was too weak to stand up to her.

So when my mum decided not to come on Boxing Day I guess it was par for the course - even though I thought it to be one of those lines you just dont cross. Some people in this world dont even have grand children and yet she and my dad are choosing to pretend as though my children dont exist. Its not been about me anymore. I know I couldn't disappoint them any more if I tried so its not about me. Its about the two kids I love to death not having extended family around. I never did as a child. Ever...and so I guess its the repetition through the generations happening.

Im so disappointed in them. And I know they wont tell the truth to people when they ask my parents if they have seen the children this christmas. They wont tell people they chose not to come...oh no..it will be my fault as always. I'm not good enough for them to tell the truth about. Its easier to hope I go away.

All this from a woman of the cloth.....what a hypocrite..its easier to deal with strangers than the real people around you.

My parents dont deserve to see my children and we have plenty of wonderful things to keep them happy. I have told them that my parents are going away and wont be able to see them. How sad is that - that I have to tell my children a lie to protect their feelings. When they get older I will tell them the truth. I have tried in the past to be diplomatic and adult when dealing with this but a part of me just wants to kick and scream and cry and have a tantrum. I know they live a happy life without me...I know family from the UK has visited and they havent even told me. These people are my family too...yet they choose to pretend that I and my children dont exist.

But I will out on a happy face - and cry in private.

My sister is having a baby in April next year. No doubt one step closer to replacing my children and making it easier to act as though they dont exist.

Merry Christmas mum and dad - hope you have a ball.....